totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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