So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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