I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Randomize
