Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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