I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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