If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
