genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize