the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize