those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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