Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
