people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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