I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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