Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
