"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
