I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize
