I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
