Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
