ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
