i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
