I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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