I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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