I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
