You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
we're so committed to being not committed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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