i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The cops high fived after they tackled you
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
