so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize