Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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