you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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