I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
