if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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