Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
