Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
