We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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