Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
love makes seman taste better
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
