fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
