Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
