Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
