This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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