the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
