remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Boobs speak an international language.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I wear drunk well.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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