I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
