in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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