i already hear my dad disowning me
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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