just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
