We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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