I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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