The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
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