***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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