i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
two words...techno handjob
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
