his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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