I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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