Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
