it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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