My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
