I will die if light touches me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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