Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize