can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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