The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
