I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
