Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
