btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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