we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
